literature

Five Dads

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Literature Text

Five Dads



In this life I've had 5 dads

A story behind each one

In this life I've had 5 dads

All of them claimed to call me son

The first couldn't control his urges or desires

So he grabbed a women, and by force I was sired

To this day I look in the mirror,

and I see the scars of his past

I was a child never wanted, it was never meant to last

The second took me in, when I was cast out

He raised me and loved me, till a new wife came about

I guess it goes to show

That with affection you never know

What is real and what is fake

Even if a young boys heart is at stake

The third was a savage, that claimed protection and comfort

So my mother took him in, but only pain did he contort

The first month was great, everyone was happy

But then quickly the beatings

Ended every dream that was sappy

As the police car pulled away

My heart laid shattered and broken

But the story does not end

The fourth nightmare must be spoken

He claimed to be a man of honor and respect

But when he was on the bottle...

I didn't know what to expect

He lied, cheated, and stole

But my mom had climbed aboard his boat

Till one day...she found his hands around her throat

The police pulled away again

It's a wonder I'm alive

.....but then fate had to send...number five

He chased my mom for years

Then seized his opportunity to draw near

She married him two weeks ago

But there are already signs that I fear

I woke up to them screaming,

will the nightmare ever end?

I wonder what lays just around the bend

In this life I've had 5 dads

A story behind each one

In this life I've had 5 dads

Will I ever be able to trust a single one?
Sorry that all my poems lately have been me venting about my father issues, it's just been on my mind alot lately. Anyways alot of this wasn't exactly easy to say, but I needed to get it out somehow

This is the story of my birth dad, adopted dad, and all of my step dads

:update:
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All in one day....I have to say....I'm stunned. Thanks for all the support everyone, it truly means alot
© 2013 - 2024 SanityFallen
Comments113
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LadyOfSilver's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

The nature of this poem is truly sad and depressing, but that's what poetry really is: a way to express your feelings with no fears, doubts or qualms. And the reader can ask for no more.

Now, back to the critique:

To begin with, I want to copliment the way you've managed to create vivid images in my mind. This indicates that the poem was quite visual and direct, as it intensely 'speaks' to the reader's soul. The rhyming is... decent. Maybe too obvious sometimes (with this, I mean that I understood what would be said from the previous line, if that makes any sense) a bit forced and sometimes it was 'all over the place', since some lines rhyme while others don't, but it definitely is a nice try.

I particularly like some lines (''That with affection you never know/What is real and what is fake/Even if a young boys heart is at stake") but some others include clichéd phrases, such as "scars of his past" and "it goes to show". If you want the reader to feel YOUR situation, then you should use YOUR words, the ones that come from your heart, and not the ones that are being used the most.

All in all, this piece has really stronge potential. It is clear, direct, it speaks to the reader and it manages to evoke emotions through simple vocabulary. Besides, there are no rules when it comes to feelings. You write what you feel--it's as simple as that.

Great work, keep it up!

I hope for the best for you!