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January 1, 2013
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Five Dads



In this life I've had 5 dads

A story behind each one

In this life I've had 5 dads

All of them claimed to call me son

The first couldn't control his urges or desires

So he grabbed a women, and by force I was sired

To this day I look in the mirror,

and I see the scars of his past

I was a child never wanted, it was never meant to last

The second took me in, when I was cast out

He raised me and loved me, till a new wife came about

I guess it goes to show

That with affection you never know

What is real and what is fake

Even if a young boys heart is at stake

The third was a savage, that claimed protection and comfort

So my mother took him in, but only pain did he contort

The first month was great, everyone was happy

But then quickly the beatings

Ended every dream that was sappy

As the police car pulled away

My heart laid shattered and broken

But the story does not end

The fourth nightmare must be spoken

He claimed to be a man of honor and respect

But when he was on the bottle...

I didn't know what to expect

He lied, cheated, and stole

But my mom had climbed aboard his boat

Till one day...she found his hands around her throat

The police pulled away again

It's a wonder I'm alive

.....but then fate had to send...number five

He chased my mom for years

Then seized his opportunity to draw near

She married him two weeks ago

But there are already signs that I fear

I woke up to them screaming,

will the nightmare ever end?

I wonder what lays just around the bend

In this life I've had 5 dads

A story behind each one

In this life I've had 5 dads

Will I ever be able to trust a single one?
Sorry that all my poems lately have been me venting about my father issues, it's just been on my mind alot lately. Anyways alot of this wasn't exactly easy to say, but I needed to get it out somehow

This is the story of my birth dad, adopted dad, and all of my step dads

:update:
Comments: 76
Favourites: 272
Views: 2,341
Downloads: 16
All in one day....I have to say....I'm stunned. Thanks for all the support everyone, it truly means alot
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:iconmagicaljoey:
Good day, I'm here to critique your work at your request.

Firstly, This would look better and be easier to read if it was divided into stanzas, one per dad and one for the beginning and one for the end. Sometimes structure is very important within a piece and in this case I think you would benefit from structure instead of the lines with spaces between.

This is a very emotional piece and you have done well to bring that emotion across in a way that the reader can feel. It is almost tangible, and this is very effective.


"In this life I've had 5 dads

A story behind each one

In this life I've had 5 dads

All of them claimed to call me son"

- I find no problems with the rhyme or meter in here, but if I was to get really picky I would say write five as a word not as a number for the poem's sake as it would look better.


"The first couldn't control his urges or desires

So he grabbed a women, and by force I was sired

To this day I look in the mirror,

and I see the scars of his past

I was a child never wanted, it was never meant to last"

- By saying 'grabbed a woman' it implies rape (I'm not sure if that was the case, but if not, then I would consider changing the words to something like 'he took on a woman'. Also, 'took on' is two syllables which would help your meter within the second line as as it stands is it a syllable too short to properly fit in with line one.
- I would change the comma after 'wanted' to a semi-colon (but I will talk more about punctuation later)


"The second took me in, when I was cast out

He raised me and loved me, till a new wife came about

I guess it goes to show

That with affection you never know

What is real and what is fake

Even if a young boys heart is at stake"

- 'till' needs an apostrophe in front of it because it is a contraction of 'untill'
- 'boys' needs an apostrophe before the 's' as it is the heart of the boy (i.e. the apostrophe shows possession)
- the rhyme and meter here is good


"The third was a savage, that claimed protection and comfort

So my mother took him in, but only pain did he contort

The first month was great, everyone was happy

But then quickly the beatings

Ended every dream that was sappy

As the police car pulled away

My heart laid shattered and broken

But the story does not end

The fourth nightmare must be spoken"

- I would change 'that claimed' to 'claiming'
- 'comfort' and 'contort' don't really rhyme as one doesn't normally say 'come-fort' they say 'come-fit'
- you also have a small issue with forced rhyme here, as you have twisted the grammar of the sentence to put 'contort' at the end. The sentence should be 'he only contorted pain'



"He claimed to be a man of honor and respect

But when he was on the bottle...

I didn't know what to expect

He lied, cheated, and stole

But my mom had climbed aboard his boat

Till one day...she found his hands around her throat

The police pulled away again

It's a wonder I'm alive

.....but then fate had to send...number five"

- I see no rhyme or any problems in here


"He chased my mom for years

Then seized his opportunity to draw near

She married him two weeks ago

But there are already signs that I fear

I woke up to them screaming,

will the nightmare ever end?

I wonder what lays just around the bend"

- I would remove 'that' before 'I fear' just to help with the meter
- 'lays' should be 'lies'


"In this life I've had 5 dads

A story behind each one

In this life I've had 5 dads

Will I ever be able to trust a single one?"

- here you have false rhyme, where you rhyme 'one' with 'one'. One of the ones need to change.

Overall this piece needs a lot of punctuation. A line break is not synonymous with a pause (comma) or an ending (period). A line break on its own without punctuation is called 'enjambment' and means that you have to read the line straight on without a pause, as if it was one whole sentence. Punctuation especially helps with rhyming poems to aid the rhythm created by the rhyme and meter.
This is a well thought out piece, and one that will speak to a lot of people, even if they can only relate to one of the five.

Jo
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 10 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconladyofsilver:
The nature of this poem is truly sad and depressing, but that's what poetry really is: a way to express your feelings with no fears, doubts or qualms. And the reader can ask for no more.

Now, back to the critique:

To begin with, I want to copliment the way you've managed to create vivid images in my mind. This indicates that the poem was quite visual and direct, as it intensely 'speaks' to the reader's soul. The rhyming is... decent. Maybe too obvious sometimes (with this, I mean that I understood what would be said from the previous line, if that makes any sense) a bit forced and sometimes it was 'all over the place', since some lines rhyme while others don't, but it definitely is a nice try.

I particularly like some lines (''That with affection you never know/What is real and what is fake/Even if a young boys heart is at stake") but some others include clichéd phrases, such as "scars of his past" and "it goes to show". If you want the reader to feel YOUR situation, then you should use YOUR words, the ones that come from your heart, and not the ones that are being used the most.

All in all, this piece has really stronge potential. It is clear, direct, it speaks to the reader and it manages to evoke emotions through simple vocabulary. Besides, there are no rules when it comes to feelings. You write what you feel--it's as simple as that.

Great work, keep it up!

I hope for the best for you!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconcorgi-dawg:
Corgi-Dawg Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
This is just... I like people who put there troubles into art... It opens my eyes to the fact that the world isn't perfect...
Thank you...
Reply
:icondarvia123:
Darvia123 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow.... Well composed, slightly sad, but all around great piece of literature.
Reply
:iconforeverforwards:
foreverforwards Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
This is incredibly sad and I wish that I could help you! love and thoughts sent to you!
Reply
:iconreddragonlaportrait:
RedDragonLaPortrait Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
This is a very touching poem, I hope you and your mom are okay in this situation... I love this poem. and I admire you as being brave and strong on those hardships! :D :D

Lablots,
RedDragonLaPortrait
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:iconnefur-studios:
NEFUR-STUDIOS Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Professional Writer
Nothing to be sorry for, sometimes venting makes for the best poetry... :hug:
Reply
:iconno-name-girl:
No-Name-Girl Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Student Photographer
Wow, I love it. very emotionally charged and deep.
Reply
:icontreeonice:
Treeonice Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
awh <3 *hugs*
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:icondacyana:
dacyana Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
I know it's really hard being in your situation...
I hope all this to end soon and for the future I hope you'll be an amazing dad for your children...

Wishing you the best,
Dacyana
Reply
:iconjesuslivesinmealways:
JesusLivesinMeAlways Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
This is such an amazingly sad poem. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with so much, but you'll be in my prayers
Reply
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