Sta.sh
Five Dads
In this life I've had 5 dads
A story behind each one
In this life I've had 5 dads
All of them claimed to call me son
The first couldn't control his urges or desires
So he grabbed a women, and by force I was sired
To this day I look in the mirror,
and I see the scars of his past
I was a child never wanted, it was never meant to last
The second took me in, when I was cast out
He raised me and loved me, till a new wife came about
I guess it goes to show
That with affection you never know
What is real and what is fake
Even if a young boys heart is at stake
The third was a savage, that claimed protection and comfort
So my mother took him in, but only pain did he contort
The first month was great, everyone was happy
But then quickly the beatings
Ended every dream that was sappy
As the police car pulled away
My heart laid shattered and broken
But the story does not end
The fourth nightmare must be spoken
He claimed to be a man of honor and respect
But when he was on the bottle...
I didn't know what to expect
He lied, cheated, and stole
But my mom had climbed aboard his boat
Till one day...she found his hands around her throat
The police pulled away again
It's a wonder I'm alive
.....but then fate had to send...number five
He chased my mom for years
Then seized his opportunity to draw near
She married him two weeks ago
But there are already signs that I fear
I woke up to them screaming,
will the nightmare ever end?
I wonder what lays just around the bend
In this life I've had 5 dads
A story behind each one
In this life I've had 5 dads
Will I ever be able to trust a single one?
Now, back to the critique:
To begin with, I want to copliment the way you've managed to create vivid images in my mind. This indicates that the poem was quite visual and direct, as it intensely 'speaks' to the reader's soul. The rhyming is... decent. Maybe too obvious sometimes (with this, I mean that I understood what would be said from the previous line, if that makes any sense) a bit forced and sometimes it was 'all over the place', since some lines rhyme while others don't, but it definitely is a nice try.
I particularly like some lines (''That with affection you never know/What is real and what is fake/Even if a young boys heart is at stake") but some others include clichéd phrases, such as "scars of his past" and "it goes to show". If you want the reader to feel YOUR situation, then you should use YOUR words, the ones that come from your heart, and not the ones that are being used the most.
All in all, this piece has really stronge potential. It is clear, direct, it speaks to the reader and it manages to evoke emotions through simple vocabulary. Besides, there are no rules when it comes to feelings. You write what you feel--it's as simple as that.
Great work, keep it up!
I hope for the best for you!
Firstly, This would look better and be easier to read if it was divided into stanzas, one per dad and one for the beginning and one for the end. Sometimes structure is very important within a piece and in this case I think you would benefit from structure instead of the lines with spaces between.
This is a very emotional piece and you have done well to bring that emotion across in a way that the reader can feel. It is almost tangible, and this is very effective.
"In this life I've had 5 dads
A story behind each one
In this life I've had 5 dads
All of them claimed to call me son"
- I find no problems with the rhyme or meter in here, but if I was to get really picky I would say write five as a word not as a number for the poem's sake as it would look better.
"The first couldn't control his urges or desires
So he grabbed a women, and by force I was sired
To this day I look in the mirror,
and I see the scars of his past
I was a child never wanted, it was never meant to last"
- By saying 'grabbed a woman' it implies rape (I'm not sure if that was the case, but if not, then I would consider changing the words to something like 'he took on a woman'. Also, 'took on' is two syllables which would help your meter within the second line as as it stands is it a syllable too short to properly fit in with line one.
- I would change the comma after 'wanted' to a semi-colon (but I will talk more about punctuation later)
"The second took me in, when I was cast out
He raised me and loved me, till a new wife came about
I guess it goes to show
That with affection you never know
What is real and what is fake
Even if a young boys heart is at stake"
- 'till' needs an apostrophe in front of it because it is a contraction of 'untill'
- 'boys' needs an apostrophe before the 's' as it is the heart of the boy (i.e. the apostrophe shows possession)
- the rhyme and meter here is good
"The third was a savage, that claimed protection and comfort
So my mother took him in, but only pain did he contort
The first month was great, everyone was happy
But then quickly the beatings
Ended every dream that was sappy
As the police car pulled away
My heart laid shattered and broken
But the story does not end
The fourth nightmare must be spoken"
- I would change 'that claimed' to 'claiming'
- 'comfort' and 'contort' don't really rhyme as one doesn't normally say 'come-fort' they say 'come-fit'
- you also have a small issue with forced rhyme here, as you have twisted the grammar of the sentence to put 'contort' at the end. The sentence should be 'he only contorted pain'
"He claimed to be a man of honor and respect
But when he was on the bottle...
I didn't know what to expect
He lied, cheated, and stole
But my mom had climbed aboard his boat
Till one day...she found his hands around her throat
The police pulled away again
It's a wonder I'm alive
.....but then fate had to send...number five"
- I see no rhyme or any problems in here
"He chased my mom for years
Then seized his opportunity to draw near
She married him two weeks ago
But there are already signs that I fear
I woke up to them screaming,
will the nightmare ever end?
I wonder what lays just around the bend"
- I would remove 'that' before 'I fear' just to help with the meter
- 'lays' should be 'lies'
"In this life I've had 5 dads
A story behind each one
In this life I've had 5 dads
Will I ever be able to trust a single one?"
- here you have false rhyme, where you rhyme 'one' with 'one'. One of the ones need to change.
Overall this piece needs a lot of punctuation. A line break is not synonymous with a pause (comma) or an ending (period). A line break on its own without punctuation is called 'enjambment' and means that you have to read the line straight on without a pause, as if it was one whole sentence. Punctuation especially helps with rhyming poems to aid the rhythm created by the rhyme and meter.
This is a well thought out piece, and one that will speak to a lot of people, even if they can only relate to one of the five.
Jo
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