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Five Dads



In this life I've had 5 dads

A story behind each one

In this life I've had 5 dads

All of them claimed to call me son

The first couldn't control his urges or desires

So he grabbed a women, and by force I was sired

To this day I look in the mirror,

and I see the scars of his past

I was a child never wanted, it was never meant to last

The second took me in, when I was cast out

He raised me and loved me, till a new wife came about

I guess it goes to show

That with affection you never know

What is real and what is fake

Even if a young boys heart is at stake

The third was a savage, that claimed protection and comfort

So my mother took him in, but only pain did he contort

The first month was great, everyone was happy

But then quickly the beatings

Ended every dream that was sappy

As the police car pulled away

My heart laid shattered and broken

But the story does not end

The fourth nightmare must be spoken

He claimed to be a man of honor and respect

But when he was on the bottle...

I didn't know what to expect

He lied, cheated, and stole

But my mom had climbed aboard his boat

Till one day...she found his hands around her throat

The police pulled away again

It's a wonder I'm alive

.....but then fate had to send...number five

He chased my mom for years

Then seized his opportunity to draw near

She married him two weeks ago

But there are already signs that I fear

I woke up to them screaming,

will the nightmare ever end?

I wonder what lays just around the bend

In this life I've had 5 dads

A story behind each one

In this life I've had 5 dads

Will I ever be able to trust a single one?
Sorry that all my poems lately have been me venting about my father issues, it's just been on my mind alot lately. Anyways alot of this wasn't exactly easy to say, but I needed to get it out somehow

This is the story of my birth dad, adopted dad, and all of my step dads

:update:
Comments: 76
Favourites: 272
Views: 2,341
Downloads: 16
All in one day....I have to say....I'm stunned. Thanks for all the support everyone, it truly means alot
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:iconmagicaljoey:
Good day, I'm here to critique your work at your request.

Firstly, This would look better and be easier to read if it was divided into stanzas, one per dad and one for the beginning and one for the end. Sometimes structure is very important within a piece and in this case I think you would benefit from structure instead of the lines with spaces between.

This is a very emotional piece and you have done well to bring that emotion across in a way that the reader can feel. It is almost tangible, and this is very effective.


"In this life I've had 5 dads

A story behind each one

In this life I've had 5 dads

All of them claimed to call me son"

- I find no problems with the rhyme or meter in here, but if I was to get really picky I would say write five as a word not as a number for the poem's sake as it would look better.


"The first couldn't control his urges or desires

So he grabbed a women, and by force I was sired

To this day I look in the mirror,

and I see the scars of his past

I was a child never wanted, it was never meant to last"

- By saying 'grabbed a woman' it implies rape (I'm not sure if that was the case, but if not, then I would consider changing the words to something like 'he took on a woman'. Also, 'took on' is two syllables which would help your meter within the second line as as it stands is it a syllable too short to properly fit in with line one.
- I would change the comma after 'wanted' to a semi-colon (but I will talk more about punctuation later)


"The second took me in, when I was cast out

He raised me and loved me, till a new wife came about

I guess it goes to show

That with affection you never know

What is real and what is fake

Even if a young boys heart is at stake"

- 'till' needs an apostrophe in front of it because it is a contraction of 'untill'
- 'boys' needs an apostrophe before the 's' as it is the heart of the boy (i.e. the apostrophe shows possession)
- the rhyme and meter here is good


"The third was a savage, that claimed protection and comfort

So my mother took him in, but only pain did he contort

The first month was great, everyone was happy

But then quickly the beatings

Ended every dream that was sappy

As the police car pulled away

My heart laid shattered and broken

But the story does not end

The fourth nightmare must be spoken"

- I would change 'that claimed' to 'claiming'
- 'comfort' and 'contort' don't really rhyme as one doesn't normally say 'come-fort' they say 'come-fit'
- you also have a small issue with forced rhyme here, as you have twisted the grammar of the sentence to put 'contort' at the end. The sentence should be 'he only contorted pain'



"He claimed to be a man of honor and respect

But when he was on the bottle...

I didn't know what to expect

He lied, cheated, and stole

But my mom had climbed aboard his boat

Till one day...she found his hands around her throat

The police pulled away again

It's a wonder I'm alive

.....but then fate had to send...number five"

- I see no rhyme or any problems in here


"He chased my mom for years

Then seized his opportunity to draw near

She married him two weeks ago

But there are already signs that I fear

I woke up to them screaming,

will the nightmare ever end?

I wonder what lays just around the bend"

- I would remove 'that' before 'I fear' just to help with the meter
- 'lays' should be 'lies'


"In this life I've had 5 dads

A story behind each one

In this life I've had 5 dads

Will I ever be able to trust a single one?"

- here you have false rhyme, where you rhyme 'one' with 'one'. One of the ones need to change.

Overall this piece needs a lot of punctuation. A line break is not synonymous with a pause (comma) or an ending (period). A line break on its own without punctuation is called 'enjambment' and means that you have to read the line straight on without a pause, as if it was one whole sentence. Punctuation especially helps with rhyming poems to aid the rhythm created by the rhyme and meter.
This is a well thought out piece, and one that will speak to a lot of people, even if they can only relate to one of the five.

Jo
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 10 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconladyofsilver:
The nature of this poem is truly sad and depressing, but that's what poetry really is: a way to express your feelings with no fears, doubts or qualms. And the reader can ask for no more.

Now, back to the critique:

To begin with, I want to copliment the way you've managed to create vivid images in my mind. This indicates that the poem was quite visual and direct, as it intensely 'speaks' to the reader's soul. The rhyming is... decent. Maybe too obvious sometimes (with this, I mean that I understood what would be said from the previous line, if that makes any sense) a bit forced and sometimes it was 'all over the place', since some lines rhyme while others don't, but it definitely is a nice try.

I particularly like some lines (''That with affection you never know/What is real and what is fake/Even if a young boys heart is at stake") but some others include clichéd phrases, such as "scars of his past" and "it goes to show". If you want the reader to feel YOUR situation, then you should use YOUR words, the ones that come from your heart, and not the ones that are being used the most.

All in all, this piece has really stronge potential. It is clear, direct, it speaks to the reader and it manages to evoke emotions through simple vocabulary. Besides, there are no rules when it comes to feelings. You write what you feel--it's as simple as that.

Great work, keep it up!

I hope for the best for you!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icontulpen-teufel:
Tulpen-Teufel Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
This was really intense to read.

As a child of a classical and comparably happy family, I can't even imagine the damage that can come from rotating parents like that.

But as long as there is support from somewhere it's not all that important from whom I'd say.
Reply
:iconzoeyaugust1245:
zoeyaugust1245 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2015  Student General Artist
You sir, are a strong individual for being able to speak about those experiences. Even if it hurt, you did it, and you managed to make it into a powerful and moving piece.

I hope things have gotten (an continue to get) better since you wrote this for both you and your mother.
Reply
:iconcorgi-dawg:
Corgi-Dawg Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
This is just... I like people who put there troubles into art... It opens my eyes to the fact that the world isn't perfect...
Thank you...
Reply
:icondarvia123:
Darvia123 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow.... Well composed, slightly sad, but all around great piece of literature.
Reply
:iconforeverforwards:
foreverforwards Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013
This is incredibly sad and I wish that I could help you! love and thoughts sent to you!
Reply
:iconreddragonlaportrait:
RedDragonLaPortrait Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
This is a very touching poem, I hope you and your mom are okay in this situation... I love this poem. and I admire you as being brave and strong on those hardships! :D :D

Lablots,
RedDragonLaPortrait
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:iconnefur-studios:
NEFUR-STUDIOS Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
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:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Professional Writer
Nothing to be sorry for, sometimes venting makes for the best poetry... :hug:
Reply
:iconno-name-girl:
No-Name-Girl Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Student Photographer
Wow, I love it. very emotionally charged and deep.
Reply
:icontreeonice:
Treeonice Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
awh <3 *hugs*
Reply
:icondacyana:
dacyana Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
I know it's really hard being in your situation...
I hope all this to end soon and for the future I hope you'll be an amazing dad for your children...

Wishing you the best,
Dacyana
Reply
:iconjesuslivesinmealways:
JesusLivesinMeAlways Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
This is such an amazingly sad poem. I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with so much, but you'll be in my prayers
Reply
:iconashisferkinawesome:
ashisferkinawesome Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This makes me feel glad my father walked out before I got to know him.
Reply
:iconlilredwagon:
LilRedWagon Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013   Writer
Are you sure you want a critique on something that is so emotional for you, because I can do one if you like.

That said, this is beautifully sad.
Reply
:iconsanityfallen:
SanityFallen Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I wouldn't mind, thank you ^^
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013   Writer
Alright, I get on it.
Reply
:iconasianblade:
asianblade Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: stay strong love n that's terrible you've had to endure these several situation of a father figure. I truly hope things will get better with you and for your mom sake.
Reply
:iconbranasaur:
Branasaur Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Adopted dad? He was adopted or your were?
Mannn. So many questions. So much sadness. This is such a crazy story. You making it in such a beautiful poem makes it even more mind-blowing. I'm so thankful for my one and only father. I'm sorry. I hope that some day your mother finds the perfect one.
Reply
:iconsoulfulbubbles:
SoulfulBubbles Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Student Writer
A truly powerful poem/ story. It had me crying.(not easy to do, but always appreciated) I wish i could hear you speak to hear which words or lines you would put weight in. Thank you for sharing this. the pacing and rhyming all felt natural and wonderful to read out loud or silently.

The only tiny hang up was
"a women" it would be just women or a woman only a tiny detail.


thank you again for sharing it i really loved reading it
-kas k.
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:iconninthtale:
NinthTale Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Student General Artist
..I know what this is like, only with step"moms," instead.

The nightmare ends. It does. I promise.

Even if you have to be the end of it for yourself.


Never blame yourself. Never hold yourself responsible to fix it. Build a life for yourself and a future and the happiness you never knew. You can do it. I still struggle with it, but I know it's possible. :) You will be okay.
Reply
:iconjustbubblez:
justbubblez Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist
This was really touching and I admire your courage to put these honest feelings up...I hope and pray one day you'll find the heavenly Father whom you can put your trust in because He never fails =) thanks for sharing!
<3
Reply
:iconkairatera:
kairatera Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I want to say, "I hope things get better", but that isn't enough. I don't know you, and I don't know your family. But, from this poem... If this is coming from your heart, you should get out of there. Even after five dads, it seems as though your mom doesn't know how to pick them. It isn't her fault, or yours. It's nobody's fault. But, if I were you... I would try to leave. Tell someone important about it, find a way out. Even if you have to go from friend to friend's house. You should never be around this. :/ Sorry about your luck, it will get better, hopefully.
Reply
:iconmephistoserigala:
MephistoSerigala Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You poor thing. My real dad was a cheater and my stepdad was abusive and on drugs. I've been 'adopted' by a man who's been a good friend and practically a father to me. My family and even my mother is bothered that I call him "dad" with such conviction,but I can't help what I feel. He's taught me so much, supported me, shown me tough love and even told me that he would be so proud to have such a smart, beautiful, strong daughter and he's always there when I need him. Not everyone has a happy ending when it comes to dads, but it's all from the grace of God that I found my real dad :]
Reply
:icontearsandhoney:
TearsAndHoney Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
I hope things are better for you and your mother now. :( You don't need any father if they are like that.
Reply
:iconwestley-twain:
Westley-Twain Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Student General Artist
All I can say is already said.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jerimiah something-or-other

This came from a prophet who was called by God to tell His people that they should stop being a violent and ruthless society, and at the time he wrote this he was cowering in a cave miles from any town, almost being stoned to death everywhere he went from sence he was a kid.
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:iconarsenicblue:
ArsenicBlue Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
no offense but your mother has sucky choice in men. Hopefully one day you'll be anal e to have . a lasting positive relationship with a man you can consider a father.I know somewhat of how you feel.Feel better
Reply
:iconjierat:
Jierat Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hopefully one day you'll be anal? xD
Reply
:iconarsenicblue:
ArsenicBlue Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
0.0 Omigawd.Its a typo. Noooooo.XP I hadnt even realized that.lol.How the heck did I get anal out of able.I swear I'm not a dirty pervert!>.>
Kinda...
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:iconjierat:
Jierat Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Lolk xD
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:icongreenoak22:
GreenOak22 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Very nice, i must say.. well-written and it really seems realistic and I can feel pain through this poem (even though I haven't experienced it...)

Well done! ^^
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:iconangelyunarukami:
AngelYuNarukami Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
I hope everything improves, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what I would do without my Dad, I only hope your mom finally gets it right. It's good to get it out, that's the beauty of the writing world.
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:iconmaryannlovedomo:
maryannlovedomo Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Very well written, stay strong hun.
:iconlazypoolplz:
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:iconsolluxampora:
SolluxAmpora Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
Stay strong!
Reply
:iconazyleo16:
azyleo16 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
Wow its so deep....amazing...I hope things get better for you....
Reply
:iconyoukai-crush:
Youkai-Crush Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Student General Artist
I hope the nightmare ends for you :( I really do... But in the meantime, try to stay strong, that's about all the advice I can offer...
Reply
:iconwritingsmylife:
writingsmylife Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is incredibly well written. It brought some out some real emotions for me, and I can honestly say that poetry doesn't do that for me very often. You're so strong to have dealt with all of this. Way stronger than I could ever claim to be. Things will get better, I'm sure.
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:iconmisakiayzawa:
MisakiAyzawa Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow this is deep and u think ppl say their life sucks when they're parents give them everything makes me sick
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:icondemonsimpulse:
demonsimpulse Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
i know right? at my school, girls complain about there life being in a total hell like situation when there phone is taken away or they can't hang out with friends because their room wasn't clean. people just think their life is hard until they see someone else's.
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:iconmisakiayzawa:
MisakiAyzawa Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Them bitches like I have a good life but I still have some troubles like family across the seas I'm from England and we moved to America me dads mum almost died last year and two years ago my mums family was robbing my mums mum
Reply
:icondemonsimpulse:
demonsimpulse Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
well that wasn't very nice of them to do. and im sorry you had to move here to the usa. i personally would rather live in europe. my life was easy with my mom either. i was born with something in my brain that made me slower in processing things and my mom was overprotective. now im the smartest person in school and she still thinks im stupid or can't do things myself.
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:iconmisakiayzawa:
MisakiAyzawa Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow well I have alipiasha a deases so I was made fun of becuz the kids thought i had cancer, my hair once took 3inchs and fell and everyone screamed
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:icondemonsimpulse:
demonsimpulse Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
i would have loved to see there reactions. i love scaring people.
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:iconmisakiayzawa:
MisakiAyzawa Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yea but when I was lil I was like Italy 'hetalia' I cried allot so when that happened I cried a river
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:icondemonsimpulse:
demonsimpulse Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013
dont cry! be strong young one!
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(1 Reply)
:iconfightking:
fightking Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wowza...
Reply
:iconkirbylover123:
kirbylover123 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This almost made me cry ;-; Im sorry I hope things get better.
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:icon12noon12:
12noon12 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
I'm sorry for your horrible luck with fathers, but not everything can be a Cinderella story
Reply
:iconprettypixieeyes:
prettypixieeyes Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
This makes me want to go go hug my dad. He is technically my step-dad because my bio dad died when I was little, but he raised me and loves me as if I were his birth daughter. It's things like this that make me realize just how lucky I got, it could have turned out really bad. I hope your own luck will finally change and this man will finally be the right man.
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:iconaemillia-pam09:
Aemillia-Pam09 Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
your so strong... someday things would get better . Just hold on.
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January 1, 2013
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